Thinking and Re-thinking

Cory's cousin Julie killed herself a couple of weeks ago - I have been thinking and re-thinking about depression, guilt, suicide and reunions with God. I feel first of all completely empathetic. I have been down before - I have had these thoughts before. I think they are normal. I think lots, if not most people have them. Someone told me once that it is when you start thinking about the where, when and how that you may have need of some help - pronto. I understand that Julie had been dealing with these feelings for quite some time and that if this hadn't happened now it probably would have happened eventually.

I guess one of the things that I have been thinking about is love. It has been pretty clear that lots and lots of people loved Julie. But you can't help thinking there must have been some sort of disconnect there. The problem may have been that the ways in which people tried to convey their love to her wasn't translating somehow. It really isn't enough to love someone if the ways in which we show it don't mean "love" to them. I have been thinking that hopefully now Julie knows how people really felt about her and that if she was feeling un-loved before - she knows the truth now.

The other thing I have been thinking about it religion. I guess the common thread in all religions is that suicide is wrong. Taking a life is wrong, whether it be your own or someone else's. It may be wrong - you may have to have a long conversation with God as a result of it. But the God that I know and love is forgiving and kind and all knowing. He already knows the pain Julie was in and every little thing that caused it all along her 34 years. I just can't see Him holding it against her. I just see Him taking her in His arms and comforting her and helping her to get over whatever it was that caused her to hurt so much. I guess what I mean to say, and feel pretty confrontational about is that I don't think Julie is in trouble for doing what she did. And I think anyone who says things like that is just being judgemental when it isn't up to them.

Also, I have been thinking of parenting a child with depression, a child who decides to end their own life. I don't think it is something you can ever recover from. Our job is to prepare our children for the big world - so when they can't cope we feel like we must not have done our jobs. I don't know - I don't know who to blame or if anyone has more blame than anyone else. I know I never want to feel like Julie's parents must feel. I asked Cam after this happened if he ever feels depressed or if he has ever thought about killing himself and he said he didn't (in that offended kind of way that teenagers have). I will take him at his word - plus pray whenever I think about it that he doesn't ever have this kind of pain in him.

And lastly, I just feel sad, kind or world weary, overwhelmed by how hard life really is and how such tragic things can happen even in our own families.