I'm not sure how I missed this when I was blogging about Christmas pictures that we have taken - this is actually one of my favorites! I think this is a really good picture of Cory, which could be considered "rare".

We actually got this taken by a photographer guy in our old ward. I just love how it is a different pose and that Cam looks kinda tickled to be standing there with his arms around us! It also had that fuzzy kind of thing that made a circle around the photo, (don't know what the technical term is - but it worked for me). Fun times!

Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

Why is it that authors are revered when they create tragic personal lives for themselves? Or when they can write authoritatively about mental instability, depression and suicide? Is it brilliant to entertain these thoughts or just to share them with the world? Do we feel sorry for their emotional plight - is that the draw? Aren't there some stable authors out there who can merely entertain their imagination and then have the skill to capture it on paper? I don't see that being unstable warrants literary genius status. With all that out of the way. . .

I have seen Mrs. Dalloway on every reading list that I have ever looked up. I was so looking forward to reading it. There were a few redeeming moments that made it fall into the category of "not a complete waste of time" but for the most part I don't enjoy reading about someone so truly on the verge of a breakdown and then succumbing to it (not the character of Mrs. Dalloway by the way). Is it any wonder that the author committed suicide? She was lauded for her detailed and realistic characterization of insanity, depression and suicide. Was she brilliant or was she just disturbed?

This is a book about unrequited love, selfishness and self-awareness or a lack thereof, about growing older and about contradictions. One minute you can think the characters are getting on the right track and then they will fall lower than they had been before. I think we all think about suicide sometimes, and we all play with insanity from time to time in our lives - but I could not for the life of me see why this story has been made more than it actually was. Am I missing something?

My Sister

I don't know if I've ever told you the story of my "new" sister. I have an old sister (Kathy won't like that) who I grew up with (aka: fought with, bathed with and shared a room with) and then I have another sister that I just met a few years ago. My mom had a baby after me that she felt she wasn't really capable of taking care of because she already had her hands full with the three of us - so her doctor suggested that she give the baby up for adoption to a couple that he knew who had been trying to concieve for 10 years. It turned out that my mom and the adoptive father had gone to HS together and she knew who he was. Sandi is a year and a half younger than me and is like a walking time warp of my mother! Being around her is like being around my mother when I was Cam's age. I marvel at how similar they are when Sandi wasn't even raised by my mother?? (begs the question of nature vs. nurture).

Anyway, I guess it was 7 years ago that Sandi's adoptive mother died. She loved her mother and didn't want to chance hurting her feelings by searching for her birth mother when she was alive. When she died - Sandi decided to start her search. It took a couple of days - I guess because my Grandmother had already started searching for her.

So - it was 7 years ago that I first met Sandi. It was strange, a little awkward and kind of wonderful at the same time. Sandi is totally healthy about the whole thing and extrememly willing to understand and accept all of us - kind of like a family should.

It has profoundly changed my identity - I am no longer the youngest child as I was - I am no longer the one who looks like my mom the most. I have felt at times like I was the one who should have been given up because I have always been the "different" one anyway. But what would my life have been like had I grown up with this sister? We would have been close in school. I guess I can only think of positive things and I feel like I missed out. What would Mom's life have been like with a daughter so similar to herself? It seems like it would have been wonderful for her - but instead she got me who has been kind of an alien to her at times.

Whatever all of it means. . .I am glad for this new sister. Just another crazy thing that has happened in a life that has been full of crazy things!

I'm Out - Cam's In

Well I am a free woman now - finished work on Friday. I seriously did not want to work the week. I spent the entire week comforting others about losing MY job. Most everyone was worried about my becoming destitute or something - so I had to keep assuring everyone that I would be fine without the enormous income I was raking in each month! I can honestly say that I am glad I saw the whole week through. This was doubly difficult since Cory had Thursday and Friday off work and I haven't seen him in months because of HIS work! Anyway, it is done and I was assured that they would call the minute any grant money opened up. I will miss it but am anxious to get out in that yard tomorrow!

Cam found out Tuesday evening that he was accepted to BYU. The world came to a standstill when the texts from friends started buzzing saying to go to the BYU website to find out your future! After a few minutes of euphoria the problem became not knowing if Rory was accepted. Rory (Cam's BFF) was still at work and wouldn't be home for hours! We spent a rough couple of hours sweating before he could get home and get to his computer and let Cam know that they could indeed room together (which they have talked about since 8th grade!). They have already scheduled to be room mates at Helaman Halls.

It has been bothering me since then that whenever I tell someone that Cam will be going to BYU. The reaction has been kind of ignorant. Let me explain. I have been bragging about how brilliant Cam is his whole life - I think everyone expected him to go to Stanford (he has talked about Stanford his entire life) or some prestigious university because if he is half as smart as his mother thinks he is than any school of that caliber would be begging to get him. Cam got a XX on his ACT and I think a XXXX on the SAT - he has always taken AP classes in every subject that they are available, he took Calculus his Junior year and got a perfect score on the AP test. Schools did want him - he was contacted to apply to all of the big schools right when his ACT and SAT scores were released. Cam IS as smart as I always say - he wants to go to BYU for many reasons. Firstly, he wants to go there because he wants to go on a mission and that is what is expected there by both the boys and the girls (who date boys). Secondly, he will get a good education without the huge cost of one of the fancy schools - we have told him that his undergraduate doesn't matter as much as his graduate and if he gets into a fancy school for his graduate degree than we will pay for that - but this is an awesome school and happens to be a great deal financially! Third, Cam has never been around mostly mormoms except for EFY which he loved both times he went. He imagines BYU will be a lot like EFY where he will be in the majority for a change.

The other thing that has been annoying me - it seems lots of people think that the only requirement for acceptance into BYU is that you be Mormon. This couldn't be further from the truth. It is hard and competitive at BYU. If you look at their required test scores and GPA you will see. This BYU isn't the same as the BYU of the 70's or 80's - it is nationally ranked in several programs too. I know people don't mean to annoy me with their ignorance about BYU (especially non-members who have no reason to really know anything about it). Just take my word, and Cam's good judgement that this is a good place to be going in the Fall of 2010! Just thought I would share my annoyance though - since it's my blog and I can!

P.S. Now we wait to see if he will get a scholarship!

Changes

This is going to be a strange and anxiety filled week. Ironically - after getting a job so that I could deal with Cameron going away to college. . .I have been laid off. The ironic part is that this is the same week that acceptance letters go out to see if Cam is going away to college!

The state grant that paid for my position and another guy in the office (both part time people) was drastically cut and therefore the money is gone that pays for these 2 positions. It may come back next year??? My boss says I will be the first person she calls. But that if I have to get another job she will give me the best possible recommendation. Those things should make me feel better but I haven't really let them. When someone tells you that you are out, no matter what the reason, you feel kind of rejected.

When my supervisor told me she cried - and I was too concerned about comforting her to really process the situation. It isn't the money - because obviously Cory makes enough money and has for all these years without any income from me. But - it was the perfect job for me. The hours, the volunteers, the duties involved and of course the MOW program which I totally believe in! I am sad! This summer is when I needed this job the most and now I will have to deal with his leaving without the daily distraction of a job.

Friday is my last day - so all this week will be saying "goodbye" to nice people that I have grown attached to, who volunteer their time and gas to deliver meals to homebound people. These goodbyes make me uncomfortable and I wish I didn't have to see it through, but it will be good for me to just face the situation and feel the feelings.

I have been trying to look at the bright side of things - my yard will look better this summer, my house will be cleaner, I can do things with my friends during the day like I used to, I am on my own schedule again, I can be home when Cam gets home for another few months, I can play more farmville, I can be with my cat more and the list goes on and on. It will all be alright, I know this. And even though I will miss him more than anything in the world when he leaves home, I want Cam to get accepted this week and go off and start his life as an adult and have fun at college and learn and grow and stretch. I wish we could just hurry up and get the letter and stop all the anxiety about the situation. I will be glad when this week is over!

P.S. I will still volunteer for MOW just as I did before I ever got the job.

Picture the Past - Idaho

This picture was taken in May 1989. We hadn't been married a year and we drove from Utah to Idaho to visit my family. Cory hadn't even met any of my family yet! (Who doesn't meet their spouses family before getting married?! Long story but the fam was not all that thrilled with the temple wedding that they could not attend.) It was taken in my uncle's rec room. Don't we look young and happy? I always thought I looked good with a mullet!

As I Lay Dying by William Falkner

Aahhhgg - there were several times in this book that I felt like dying rather than continue reading! A woman is lying on her bed dying as her family is preparing for the eventuality. Her oldest son is outside her bedroom window building her casket. She finally dies and the family - with the worst possible luck in the world - travels to her hometown to have her buried among her people. Everything that could possibly happen happens even a swollen river that they have to pass through and they almost lose the full casket to the current. There is way too much talk about the 9 day old stench coming from the casket that has endured every possible element along this trek. The second son loses his mind along the way, the oldest son nearly loses his life, the daughter is on her way to get some medicine to abort her baby, the youngest son is just plain strange and the father is the most worthless man on the face of the planet who ends up stealing his daughters abortion money and taking a new bride the day of the burial!

The one and only redeeming attribute of this work is the technique the author uses in getting perspectives from all the characters. This really worked for me. You even got to hear from the dead woman.

I always like to try and figure out what makes a classic a classic - well in this case I must say I am still wondering. . .