Cam's gone

I have always prided myself on being emotionally healthy - especially given my messed up childhood. I have bounced back from some bad things. I have been known to complain or have a crying spell but I can usually snap myself out of it pretty quick. I always try to look on the bright side. Cory teases me about saying "things always work out". I generally am a fairly upbeat, optimistic person.

Having said that - let me just say I am unhinged at the moment. Last Monday Cam and I left in his car for the long trip to Provo, Utah. We had a lovely time seeing the countryside (Oklahoma, Kansas and Colorado) and listening to Harry Potter on CD (love Jim Dale). Cam and I have taken lots of trips together - sometimes with Cory, sometimes without. We are excellent travel companions. We like the same kind of things. We seem to just mesh - we always have. I tried really hard not to think about the reason for the trip while it was happening because I wanted to enjoy my last few days with him. I also think my nervous breakdown might confuse him into thinking that I am not completely thrilled for him. So, I had a handle on things pretty well. We each drove a tank of gas and then we would switch driving. We spent the night in WaKeeney, KS and drove 50 miles in one of the worst rain storms I have ever witnessed. We made sure to pick up our fridge magnets in the OK and KS, as we haven't been to those states before.

It seemed like we made really good time and all in all the trip was pretty wonderful. We arrived in Ogden to spend the night at Pop and Gram's the night before he was to check in at the dorms. Cory flew in late that night so he could be there at BYU the next day with us.

On Wednesday we drove down to BYU. We took care of all the essentials ie: ID card, books, scholarship, sports pass, computer hook-ups, parking, making up his room etc. (this is him in his dorm room). Cam took us to lunch on his new meal plan in the Cougar Eat. It was a nice, productive day. It was good that we were so busy running from one place to another so that we didn't have much time to reflect. At around 5:30 Cam needed to head over to a meet and greet Barbecue - so Cory and I went to the store and shopped to stock his dorm fridge and took ourselves out to dinner. I teared up saying goodbye to Cam - but nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't sob or lose control. I just said I loved him and kissed and hugged him goodbye.

(Just as an aside - I ran into an old heart throb while we were taking care of things. I only recognized him because he looked exactly like his dad - except a really scruffy version of his dad! He introduced me to his wife as someone he went to school with. I said that I had been his girlfriend at one point in time and his wife said "why didn't you stay with him, it would have saved me a lot of heartache!" His freshman daughter was standing right there. Can you say "awkward"? Anyway, I came away thinking about the song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. He was never all that nice to anyone really, but me in general. Can't say that I know what I ever saw in him now.)

When we got back up to Ogden I went to bed early so that I could bawl. And I have been bawling ever since. Nothing seems like it will ever be good again without Cam here. He is my only child but it is more than that - I think he was my best friend. Probably not all that healthy. I just love his personality. I love how he doesn't really say much - but when he does it is usually so wise and mature. I love being with him. I love cooking for him and taking care of him. I like sharing books with him and playing games with him and being a part of his daily life. I am no longer part of his daily life and I never will be again. Well, unless you count when I am old and maybe he has me come and live at his house because I can't take care of myself anymore. Really, I get him on vacations now - for a day or two here or there. It isn't enough! I can't even convey how pathetic I am right now - I have amazed even myself. In the past when something upsetting would happen I would always pull myself together for Cam's sake. But Cam's not here anymore and I can't seem to find a reason to pull myself together.

I'm not old enough for this phase of life - the phase where Cory and I are alone in this big house with no Cam. I don't have any grand kids to look forward to anytime soon either! I can do anything in the world that I want - I can travel anywhere, but the only thing that I want to do is go back in time and be with my son for a little longer. I should have started him in school a year later - he just barely turned 18 last week! Somebody just shoot me!